Some concepts, especially those associated with social media, have become quite popular in recent years, such as gaslighting, ghosting, and love bombing. In this article, rather than focusing on the definitions of these concepts, I will explore their hidden implications, particularly how they subtly reinforce gender roles. Gender roles are societal expectations imposed on men and women. From childhood, individuals are shaped by these roles, which evolve into deeply ingrained cultural identities that are difficult to change.
Let’s explore the concepts that have entered our lives with digital culture:
- Gaslighting: The use of manipulative tactics by one person to make another doubt their perception of reality.
- Ghosting: When someone suddenly and unexpectedly cuts off communication with another person in a relationship, usually without explanation.
- Love Bombing: When a person tries to dominate the other by overwhelming them with excessive affection and attention at the start of a relationship.
Although these definitions do not directly reference ‘femininity’ or ‘masculinity,’ we can detect the influence of gender roles in their everyday use.
Loving and being loved are concepts that belong to all genders. However, in our culture, men are often taught to suppress feelings and compassion to fit the societal definition of the “ideal man.” Men are expected to be more analytical and emotionally detached; showing emotion is often seen as “womanly.” On the other hand, women are portrayed as overly emotional, constantly in need of love, and always waiting for a “prince on a white horse.” In his book Chinese Business, Japanese Business, Tayfun Atay writes: “While masculinity is an external pressure on women’s gender, it may be an internal pressure on men’s ‘self.’” He adds, “The formation of masculinity is a social process. Unlike femininity, masculinity is given. Since it is something granted, it can also be taken away.”
Women and Men in the Light of Claude Levi-Strauss’ Concept of “Binary Oppositions”
Claude Levi-Strauss’ concept of “binary oppositions” can help shed light on this issue. According to Strauss, men are always in search of order, and chaos needs order; the human mind strives to establish this order. Every culture reflects this attitude, creating contrasts that seem disconnected but serve to establish social and cultural order. These oppositions—such as the male-female divide—become functional and universal. As a result, men are expected to suppress emotions and be analytical, while women are expected to be emotional and neglect their analytical abilities. Those who do not adhere to these societal expectations are often stigmatized.
This gender contrast starts early in life. Atay notes in his book that gender distinctions are drawn from early childhood, with boys being labeled with blue and girls with pink. He highlights that blue, associated with the sea and sky, is linked with masculinity, while pink, associated with dreams, is tied to femininity.
From this perspective, women are expected to embody the most emotional and dreamlike roles imposed by society, while men are expected to adopt an emotionless and analytical demeanor.
The New Generation of Terms: The View from Society
Let’s discuss the relationship between new generation expressions. From the perspective of society, the victim of these concepts is often the woman. In her search for the ‘ideal man,’ she becomes the victim of the man who embodies and enforces these concepts, evaluating all options on her journey.
In our culture, there used to be terms like ‘that woman’ and ‘that man’ in the neighborhood. Men and women, who could socialize within their environment and flirt through glances from window to window, had one common goal: the idea of a ‘family’ and a ‘home’ as envisioned by society. They chose their partners from a limited pool of options. The scarcity of choices led to relationships that prioritized relative labor. The dilemma of the ‘rich girl-poor boy’ (or ‘rich boy-poor girl’) in films, or stories like Leyla and Majnun and Ferhat and Şirin, was a concept that was difficult to reach, had to be overcome, and involved effort.
Today, with digital culture, the abundance of options and ease of access have created a world of more transient love and relationships. People approach each other with a ‘user-friendly’ mindset, reducing each person to their function rather than seeing them as a whole individual. Digital culture has always aimed to match women with a partner, to find the “right” person.
‘I-thou’ relationships have been replaced by “I-thing” relationships—objectifying others, seeing them as objects, reducing them to their function, and quickly consuming them. ‘I-you’ relationships, where individuals are seen as wholes, have become less common. Instead, relationships with an ‘expiry date’ have become the norm. These relationships focus on the pleasure of the moment rather than the person, and once the pleasure fades, the ‘expiry date’ ends.
Concepts like gaslighting, ghosting, and love bombing have existed for a long time, but now they have names and are recognized as distinct concepts. This shift pushes both women and men to embody roles dictated by society. Phrases like “You’re a narcissist,” “You’re trying to manipulate me,” or “He ghosted me” have become commonplace. While women search for marketized love, men pursue their own needs. As a result, women experience victimization, while men find success. In these terms, women seek to ‘love,’ and men seek to ‘be loved.’ Films and TV shows reinforce this narrative. Marriage and family are no longer seen as sacred institutions, but rather as “fake” constructs.
In this context, the search for love and fulfillment is prioritized. Men and women who remain in marriages approved by society continue their search for meaning, often without realizing that the search itself may be a reflection of societal pressures.
Loving and being loved are universal experiences, but the way these concepts are shaped within society influences how individuals engage with them. Even though many try to break free from cultural norms and create their own spaces for love, it seems that these efforts are often short-lived.
Research on dating violence shows that women are the most exposed to it. This issue must be understood within the context of gender roles. In cultures where women learn that ‘they can only be complete, exist, and feel safe with a man’s love,’ they become vulnerable to partner violence. Men’s dating violence stems from their desire to establish power over their partners through control. This reflects the patriarchal order, where emotional abuse is often a tool of domination.
Digital Flirting – Digital Body
There is a significant difference between flirting in the context of society and flirting in the digital world. In the digital space, individuals are free to assume various identities. They can craft any persona they wish, presenting an idealized version of themselves. Physically, they can embody any appearance, thanks to various factors. In this virtual space, especially women display images that appeal visually, while men tend to focus on a more social appearance. Even the language used becomes a part of one’s digital identity, allowing individuals to adopt multiple personas.
Because virtual relationships are often idealized, and because the digital body allows for the creation of the desired identity, individuals may form intense but unrealistic bonds with their virtual partners. This fake bond, facilitated by digital spaces, leads to the intensified experience of concepts like gaslighting, ghosting, and love bombing.
Humans are social creatures. True bonds can only form within the context of society and culture. However, the comfort of virtual relationships offers an escape from social norms. It’s easier and more comfortable to cut off communication and lie to someone online. This is why we are hearing more about these concepts in the age of social media. Digital culture has particularly marketed the ‘ideal female appearance,’ turning women’s bodies into sexual objects and promoting a single, uniform prototype as the standard. This is presented as the only acceptable way for women to exist in digital culture.
In digital culture, gender roles are embedded in every concept. Even if the concepts are new, the underlying gender doctrines remain unchanged. In each of these new terms, the roles attributed to women and men are fulfilled, continuing to shape behavior and relationships.
Resource
Tayfun Atay (03,03,2019). Başka bir erkeklik mümkün. Sendika.org.https://sendika.org/2019/03/baska-bir-erkeklik-mumkun-tayfun-atay-t24-532528
Tayfun Atay (08,03,2017). Erkeğin hakikati kadınlıkta saklıdır. Cumhuriyet.
Atay. T. (2012), Çin işi Japon işi, İstanbul: İletişim Yayınları
Demir, S. T. (2016). Dijital Aşklar: Sanallık ve Gerçeklik Arasında Bedenin, Mekânın ve İletişimin Tasarımı. Trt Akademi, 1(2), 508-527.
